12/30/2023 3:27 am

NEW YEARRR ALMOST NEW YEAR (trumpet)

we are rapidly approaching 2024 which is kind of crazy... but at the same time i feel like im getting used to the passage of time. CRAZY year but also... not crazy at all? i feel like im settling into the new routine of my life after moving from my parents'. to be quite honest my memory is pretty bad, so i don't really know what the beginning of the year was like for me... but i feel productive! like an adult! i am breaching containment and growing up!

i think next year i'd like to read more books. i feel like i'm already reading a lot, but reading more books makes me feel smarter. i thin my understanding of trauma has really deepened over the past year. i started reading the haunted self which has radically shifted how i understand pretty much everything. i want to communicate what i've learned to other people but i feel like i do it so much less elegantly.

you know what? i also want to write more. i want to journal! i want to journal every day!! my brain puts up barriers all the time and i feel like i'm constantly teleporting into someone else's life with no recollection of how i got there. i think writing it down is a good way to keep track, even if it does freak me out a little bit.

i think im going to fill a bag with random journal prompts and pick one every day. i may be experiencing a case of Midnight Madness in which i randomly get productive sometime past 3 am and start doing a bunch of shit i don't remember in the morning, like a werewolf.

1/1/2024 4:58 pm

yay!!! new year!!!!

my new year's eve was kind of bad. i cried and i got drunk, and i felt sorry for myself... i think i've messed up my sleep schedule. but it is what it is. i have therapy tomorrow, so i'm hoping i'll be able to talk about that.

if i found out i only had a year left to live... i wonder what i'd do. it's a fitting question for the new year i think. i'd like to say that i'd travel, try new things, but in reality, i think i'd just want to spend as much time with other people as i can. being alone makes me feel very existentially, well, lonely... i can't stand being alone. any sightseeing or new experiences would be meaningless to me if i was alone. and realistically, i'd probably be too scared to leave home anyways. but i'd like to fly overseas to see my friends at least once. but that's it.

i've accepted that, no longer how long i live, there's going to be too many experiences to count i'll feel like i missed out on. i want to do it all. it would be hard for me to build up the motivation to get as much done in a year as i can, knowing that i would still be missing out on so much.

1/3/2024 2:35 am

oops... missed a day! (technically) this can count for 2 days' worth of journaling ;)

i've been going to a lot of local shows lately. it's been fun, but i also feel like i can't talk about them as much because they're more, well, localized. i went to a furry event 2 or 3 weeks ago and had lots of fun! mostly electronic & indie music. i met some new friends there, danced, and had fun talking to people! now i need a fursuit... wahhh...

before that, i saw my friend's band at a small punk event. it was fun! i hadn't seen that friend in a while, so it was nice to catch up. the music and the energy was good. it was his band's first show. i was really happy to be there! plus there were some small artist's booths, which was fun to look around at.

my next concert is going to be otoboke beaver in a few months. i'm so excited! i'm so excited!!!!! i love otoboke beaver! i bought tickets to see them last year, but i had to cancel at the last minute because of work... i really really hope i get to see them this time. the tickets now are more expensive (service fees!!!), and the concert is a way longer drive this time... i wish i could have gone last time aggh! but i'm still really excited to see them live. i hear their shows are awesome!

for larger acts, it's hard to catch concerts because most of the bands i like have already disbanded... if only i had a chance to see midori! or bleach03! sublime! AHHHHH!!!! there's so much i want to do!!!

1/4/2024 8:42 pm

another sluggish sort of day...

this week, it's been hard for me to get up and do stuff. not in an "i'm sad" way, just in a low energy way. but then at night, i can't sleep... i want to get up and do stuff! why are my days starting so late?? it's getting really frustrating!

i can't say i've had very many highs or lows this week. it's been very... very slow... and i'm not sure how to speed it back up again. i'm getting back into working out today, since i've been skipping out because of how tired i am. maybe i'll watch some movies with my friends... it's been a while since i've seen a good movie. well, that's a lie, i rewatched parasite last night which was pretty good. but still! i want to watch something good! i've been watching so many shitty movies, which is fun, but it's been a while since i've seen like, a good horror that really fucks me up. wahhhh!!!

1/8/2024 3:47 am

i lost several days of my life.

i don't know what the fuck happened, it's like i blinked and the past few days were gone. no journal entries, so i can't rely on that. i think i was mostly organizing my collection of images.. at one point, i had to drive out for work, but the entire ride i was just thinking about going home and working on organizing some more. i'm so mad at myself for it. i keep thinking that maybe, if i was better & had more self control, this wouldn't happen. but it did, and i'm paying the price.

i don't want to write anything else. shame shame shame guilt guilt guilt.

1/8/2024 9:27 pm

it's chicken soup day! yaaay!

every once in a while, i make a huuuge stock pot full of chicken soup that i feed on for the rest of the week. it cooks for like 8 hours on the stove... the entire house smells like soup right now (really good) but it's going to be 5 more hours until i can eat it. :( i added some leeks and parsnip this time, which i've never tried before. i hope it comes out good! (if it doesn't i'll be mad)

noob slayer's getting ready to shed... i feel a little sad about it because he's going to hide until he's all done. i always love seeing him out and about, so it makes me feel a little bad that he's in such a vulnerable position that all he does is hide. he still eats like normal though, which is more than most ball pythons do. he's such a good eater.

i also go back to work tomorrow! i had a few weeks off for the holiday but i'm back now. i'm excited!

1/9/2024 8:29 pm

happy tuesday! work got cancelled cuz there was snow.

i had to pick my mom up from work, so we ended up watching mulholland drive after. interesting movie.. i want to go through all of david lynch's work and figure out what's up. there's something very captivating to me about characters who are "off", like they're being mostly normal but something about them is just strange and off-putting.

anyways, i thought it'd be fun to do a log of all my different lipstick shades.. i don't know all the shade names cuz ive had these for a while. i need to get an organizer for my makeup!

1/10/2024 8:57 pm

work today was pretty good. :) i've been hatereading armada by ernest cline and it might be the worst piece of garbage i've ever seen. this falls into the "so bad it's good" category where i'm just entertained at how shitty it is. ive been sending segments to my friends and we've been having a grand old time trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with this.

in more Think-y journal news: ive got some negative beliefs about myself! don't we all. what's up with that? i dunno if i'm in the mood to really unpack it, since ive been having a good time, but i can put on my thinking cap for a bit and consider some things.

ok, here's one: i'm a uniquely bad person. there's some variety of logical fallacy going on here, because a lot of that self loathing comes from me just... existing. like, i feel like a bad, wasteful person for eating or sleeping or taking up a physical space. which, if someone else told me they felt that way, i'd be like what the fuck? you didn't decide to exist, why is it now suddenly *your* problem that you're alive? but i feel like i'm somehow being shitty doing the same things. like whenever i'm eat, i'm like, fuck you man, so much work went into growing this food and you're just eating it all like some sort of idiot. or, more shamefully, sometimes my body just feels like this big, wrong thing that's taking up too much space, like inheriting an ugly dresser or something you don't have anywhere to put. like i think of myself now, sitting in a chair, and i feel like this chair would be better if there was nothing in it at all, and i'm doing something shameful by occupying a space where there could be something else. does that make sense? probably not.

eek sorry that's kind of depressing. i'm alright! i'm doing a lot better than it sounds. as long as i don't dwell on it, i'm just hanging out and chilling like 99% of the time. i've gotten really good at moving past it and just having a good time.

1/12/2024 2:53 am

oops! technically missed a day.

who am i right now? i dunno, i guess the most apt descriptor would be "just some guy." do i particularly like who i am? i have a pretty noncommittal answer to that. i don't particularly dislike myself, but i don't like myself a lot, either. i view myself as being an overall average person who, in a pretty average way, has both good attributes and flaws.

the concept of flaws is really interesting to me (i've noticed that i use the word interesting all the time, agghhh!). the context here is mostly in fiction, for reference. but i remember most of my lessons in english classes on character traits/flaws weren't very in-depth, like you'd just pull some adjectives out of a hat and throw them on. & i do think that's the approach that many (bad) authors take - you'll have characters who will have a moment to show that they're [INSERT ADJECTIVE HERE], but that character trait never really impacts anything else - their voice, their decisions, etc.

flaws and positive traits are intrinsically linked, though, in the sense that they're both often just different expressions of the same character trait. let's use "courageous" as an example - this is a good trait to have, of course, but the same behaviors & drive that make someone courageous can also make them come off as arrogant, or thoughtless, or destructive. but all those adjectives are describing the same thing. does that make sense? someone's "courage" can also result in them acting without thinking, or putting a conceited amount of faith in themselves.

i don't know, i wish there was more nuance when this stuff was taught to me!

1/14/2024 9:24 pm

i had a fun day yesterday! we had some friends over. i always like hanging out with people. :)

ok, onto some more negative stuff - i'm still in a pretty positive mood haha, but the prompt i picked called for it! i trust that i'll be able to regulate it all though.

grudges are a hard topic for me because i don't want to admit i have them. i try to be a nice, understanding person. unfortunately, i am also a petty bitch! these two things are related i think. i try really, really hard to be a nice person, to the point where i trample my own boundaries because i'm afraid doing anything else will make me a mean person. unfortunately, if you keep doing that, you start building up resentment for the other person. it's not really their fault, since i'm not communicating that they're making me upset at all - in my mind, if i just keep squashing down the discomfort, then it'll just go away. but it doesn't. then, eventually, it all erupts and i suddenly hate them.

honestly, at this point, it's hard for me to discern which of my feelings are grudges and which ones are reasonable reactions to being hurt. they all feel the same to me. this is the kind of thing i'm not going to work through by just journalling, though. i'll seek further guidance and see where i go from there.

11/17/2024 3:28 pm

yay!! i did good last night and got a bunch of art done! i'm really happy because i've been getting lots of requests and people seem to like my work. i feel like i'll never run out of things to draw! it makes me really happy!

i've also started painting my nails again. :) right now they're orange with chunky yellow glitter. i had to redo my right thumb, so i'm just waiting for the polish to dry and then i'll get back to drawing.

i think today's gonna be a pretty good day!