1/10/2024 8:57 pm
work today was pretty good. :) i've been hatereading armada by ernest cline and it might be the worst piece of garbage i've ever seen. this falls into the "so bad it's good" category where i'm just entertained at how shitty it is. ive been sending segments to my friends and we've been having a grand old time trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with this.
in more Think-y journal news: ive got some negative beliefs about myself! don't we all. what's up with that? i dunno if i'm in the mood to really unpack it, since ive been having a good time, but i can put on my thinking cap for a bit and consider some things.
ok, here's one: i'm a uniquely bad person. there's some variety of logical fallacy going on here, because a lot of that self loathing comes from me just... existing. like, i feel like a bad, wasteful person for eating or sleeping or taking up a physical space. which, if someone else told me they felt that way, i'd be like what the fuck? you didn't decide to exist, why is it now suddenly *your* problem that you're alive? but i feel like i'm somehow being shitty doing the same things. like whenever i'm eat, i'm like, fuck you man, so much work went into growing this food and you're just eating it all like some sort of idiot. or, more shamefully, sometimes my body just feels like this big, wrong thing that's taking up too much space, like inheriting an ugly dresser or something you don't have anywhere to put. like i think of myself now, sitting in a chair, and i feel like this chair would be better if there was nothing in it at all, and i'm doing something shameful by occupying a space where there could be something else. does that make sense? probably not.
eek sorry that's kind of depressing. i'm alright! i'm doing a lot better than it sounds. as long as i don't dwell on it, i'm just hanging out and chilling like 99% of the time. i've gotten really good at moving past it and just having a good time.